I took a long break from writing.
A LOOOOONG break.
This entire year, I avoided writing like it was the plague.
I feel the need to explain myself and summarize what’s been going on in my life because I truly value my followers. I hate that I disappeared from the writing scene for awhile. I hate that what I’ve written recently has had a negative undertone.
But I’m writing this post to get past that. I want you guys to know what’s been going on so that I don’t feel like I’m putting up a false front.
The main thing: I’ve been sick.
I truly don’t understand what’s going on with me. I wish I did.
I can’t exactly explain it to you (and some people reading this already know what’s going on). Basically, I’ve been battling constant stomach pain that has affected me in many areas and in many ways. It has really taken a toll on me emotionally.
The girl that was once positive has suddenly felt very negative.
I’ve had a lot of lies swimming in my head the past several months. It hurt. I was too nervous to write because I didn’t want those doubts and lies to seep through my written words and affect my followers negatively. That’s something I’m very cautious of and nervous about.
But anyways, back to the point. The point is that illness really got me down. One of the reasons it had the power to do so was because I relied on myself rather than God. SHAME ON ME.
I have been so self-reliant. I really struggle with that. It’s something that I continually have to bring to God. I’m so thankful that He’s the God of forgiveness and patience.
I’m not healed yet, but I’m working on it! I’ve been eating a lot of gross foods (and avoiding all the good ones like donuts, brownies, and peanut butter pie… *starts crying*) but it’s all in hopes that my gut will be healed and that I can return to my normal self. Which brings me to my second point:
I’ve been taking this time to grow.
I want to be like the Brooklyn that I was before my health flipped me upside down. I was genuinely happy. I didn’t complain about my life circumstances. My relationships with other people were God-centered and thriving. I was in scripture regularly, soaking up as much as I could.
After I became sick, I became sad. I found many things to complain about. My relationships felt like they were breaking, mainly because my relationship with God was.
I want to be like who I was before all of this happened. In fact, I want to be better.
I don’t want to change so that I can say, “hey look at me!” Instead I want to be able to show others that God pulls you out of hard situations and then makes you a better person because of it.
This year, I wasn’t fine with where I was at. I was upset about it.
I couldn’t stop thinking about how I wasn’t living for God’s glory.
Yet I didn’t do anything to change that.
I didn’t bring it to God. I didn’t talk to my parents about it. My friends didn’t know that I was feeling this way.
I did nothing.
But now I’m doing something to change it. I’m (prayerfully) heading in the right direction. I’m pursuing God. I love Him and want His will for my life.
My prayer is that with each day, I’d be filled with more and more love and joy. I pray that I will be more thankful, and that amidst trials I won’t rely on myself.
God has used the past year to shape me and grow me. I’ll never express how thankful I am for that.
With that being said, expect more writing from me soon. 🙂